"THE GIRL IS CRAZY...."

2004-11-18T21:43:00.000-06:00

Personal Astrology Profile for Tabitha

Section 1:
How You Approach Life & How You Appear To Others

Ferociously proud and somewhat vain, you like to be impressive and to be seen as Somebody Special. You are not timid, meek, or self-effacing, and are rarely content being in the background or in the subordinate position. You are a natural leader, and do not take orders from others very well. You must have something of your own, something creative - be it a business, a project, a home or whatever - that you can develop and manage according to your own will and vision. Whatever you do, you do it in a unique, dramatic, individual way. You like to put your own personal stamp on it.

Section 2:
The Inner You: Your Real Motivation

You are a person who thrives on challenge, and you often feel that you must battle your way through life, depending upon no one and nothing but your own strength, intelligence, and courage. You believe in being totally honest, true to oneself and one's own vision and convictions, even if that means standing alone. Honesty, integrity, personal honor, and authenticity are your gods, and you have no sympathy for weakness of character in others.

* UPGRADE to your FULL-LENGTH Report & Discover...*

Section 3: Your Elemental NatureFire, Earth, Air or Water? Discover which elements make up the most of your personality, and which may be missing.

Section 4: Mental Interests and AbilitiesGain insight into the complex workings of your mind! Learn how you approach problems, and uncover your mental strengths!

Section 5: Emotions: Moods, Feelings, RomanceAre you a true romantic? Take a look at how you behave in your relationships, and reveal your potential for love!

Section 6: Drive and Ambition: How You Achieve Your GoalsAre you on the road to success? Discover the unique ways that you go after what you really want!

Section 7: Growth and Expansion: Areas That You EnjoyWill fortune smile upon you? Find out which areas of life may bring you happiness, satisfaction and good luck!

Section 8: Areas That Challenge You Or Are Difficult For YouWant to get ahead? Find out which obstacles are holding you back, and learn how to overcome these challenges!

Section 9: Originality and Imagination Areas Where You Are Creative, Unique, Unstable, or CompulsiveWhat makes you special? Explore the characteristics that make you one of a kind!

Section 10: Generational Influences: Your Age GroupHow will history remember your generation? Discover how you and your peers are influencing the world!

2004-11-18T13:19:00.000-06:00

It's wise never to ask another for what you want, Tabitha.

No, don't ask me.

No, not even yourself.

Just give thanks, in advance. As if you already had whatever it is the "old-you" would have asked for.

Oh, and by the way, thanks for loving every fiber of your supernatural self, as much as I do -

The Universe

"Old-you", that's funny, Tabitha. Here, anyone under 21,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 still gets carded. "

2004-11-18T12:25:00.000-06:00

2004-11-15T17:45:00.000-06:00

Everything is easier than one thinks. ~Goethe

Dear tabikat_817,Here is your forecast for Monday Nov 15, 2004.

Personal forecastGenerosity toward yourself and others is appreciated. Find the time to support those who need you, and you may receive encouragement from others as well. Having some fun and enjoying life may appeal to you more than your standard routine. Small details don't concern you now because you tend to comprehend the bigger picture, thus allowing you to relax and ignore minor pressures.

<~~~@~~~>

"So what if it takes a long time, Tabitha?

So what if it's already taken longer than you thought?

So what if it will still take longer?

The day will nevertheless arrive, as it always does, that all your prior efforts, determination, and persistence will seem a paltry price indeed as you are lifted irrevocably higher, as if by chariots of fire.

I can hear the music now.

The Universe

*I'm telling ya, Tabitha, I designed the system. And by design, you have no idea, yet, of the euphoric glory that draws ever near. Gives me goose bumps just thinking about it."

2004-10-08T17:06:00.000-05:00

Tabitha
Sun sign: Aries
Rising sign: Leo

October 8, 2004

The indecisiveness of other people might leave you feeling frustrated and stuck today, Tabitha. Realize that you can overcome this by simply pushing right by them. Don't feel like you need to wait for others to make up their mind about something before you can act. Do what you need to do and others will catch up when they are ready. You are not responsible for the well being of others. Concentrate on yourself.

Amen.

2004-10-06T03:45:00.000-05:00

The following is the list of Moon Signs and the "sun sign" [-the mainstream astrological sign] that each of my moon signs fall under... which is probably too much information for most reading this.
The info below is very accurate in accordance with myself. So in case you wanted a better, well-rounded, perspective of me -for whatever reason- this is a valuable read.

Tabitha's Moon sign Readings:

Moon in Leo

Warm, loving, and generous in your affections, you inspire tremendous devotion and loyalty in your loved ones. This is good, since you would never settle for anything less! You want to be adored and worshipped like the king or queen that you feel you are, and it is difficult for anyone to resist the warmth and attention you lavish on those you care about. You have a great deal of pride and need to be recognized and appreciated. The way to really hurt your feelings is to ignore you. You are genuine, sincere, and have a strong sense of personal integrity. You hate emotional games and dishonesty.

Venus in Taurus

Venus, when placed in the sign of Taurus, denotes a romantic, affectionate lover and friend. Rich beauty and sensuality are attributed to this placement and your emotions are stable and dependable. A lover with Venus in Taurus is likely to be enraptured forever and will be more responsive and devoted as the commitments get heavier. You often have a penchant for the finer, more luxurious things in life.You may spend a lot of energy on obtaining possessions and material objects for emotional security. Often there is a talent or appreciation for creativity and culture of any realm. Opera, fine food, wine, performance, art, and music will be enjoyed immensely. You are blessed with the capacity to savor each moment to the fullest extent, and instinctively seek out the beauty in your surroundings. However, you may want to watch out for a possessive streak! You will be happiest in a relationship that provides you with a real sense of belonging and stability.

Ceres in Taurusxx

Ceres in Taurus cries out to be touched -- literally! You have a sensual, soft side and a love of physical expression and affection. You whimper like a baby when given a massage or a back-rub and a facial or pedicure are your ultimate treats. Tender hugs and caresses are your specialties, and those around you will fulfill you with their touch. You also crave material possessions and luxuries, and prefer to be surrounded by life's finer things. You nurture others the way someone intimate would -- your hands-on love often manifests itself in foot rubs for tired feet or a soothing hand on a friend's forehead. Surprising others with thoughtful, tasteful presents is also your forte, and you're a superb buyer of gifts. Do as your nature tells you, Ceres-Taurus, and you will be happy.
Juno in Cancer

Emotions rule the Juno in Cancer; if your partner fulfills you emotionally everything else will follow in line. If your partner is emotionally cold or too grasping you will feel quite on edge; Juno-Cancer's strong suit is not holding up under emotional pressure. If your partner meets your needs, however, you are extremely loving and nurturing in long-term relationships. You treat others with tenderness and care, making you much sought-after and adored. The past is very important to you; you remember anniversaries and touching occasions which you celebrate with loving remembrances. That same remembrance of the past is your downfall, however; you may remember past hurts too keenly and be reluctant to be vulnerable. Love requires that vulnerability and you'd be wise to remember the lessons you've learned from past hurts but to remember that it's important not to guard your emotions with an iron fist and to be a little less sensitive.

Pallas in Piscesxx

Pallas Pisces is not the easiest energy to work with -- Pisces is not a natural fighter, though she has her own logic and methods and is not stubborn when it comes to clinging to her ideals. But although she doesn't come on strong like other signs, Pallas in Pisces does have power she can tap into when the time comes for battling. An ability to use the collective energy of a group is her strength, making Pallas-Pisces a superb member of a team. She knows instinctively what has to happen to meet her goals and excels at gently showing others the proper path. She is flexible, kindly and supportive, making those on her team really care about her goals and work hard to meet them without creating resentment. You can show others the sense of fighting for your causes and they'll fight all the harder when they absorb your beliefs and ideals. Your compassion and kindness makes you a gentle enemy but a strong one all the same with your loyal team backing you at every step.

Vesta in Taurus

Material gain is what turns you on, and you'll go to almost any lengths to get it. You crave luxury, the finer things in life; and you feel most secure when there's a healthy balance in your bank account. Luckily, you're willing to work very hard to get the security and luxury you need. The Vesta-Taurus confluence makes you steady, stable, practical and eager to strive and work; qualities which will endear you to any employer and make you a natural for the fast track. The Vesta-Taurean implacability once again rears its head here -- when you've decided there's something you want, whether it be an object or a person, you're almost impossible to budge. You'll plow ahead until you get what you want or exhaust yourself trying. You're the same way sexually, determined to please your partner and touchingly devoted to their needs. But it's in sex that your softer side comes out, as you're exceedingly sensual and loving, a delight to touch and hold. It's very important to you to connect sexually and physically with the ones you love, which makes you very lovable indeed.

2004-09-28T05:01:00.000-05:00

Today's Note from the Universe:

What are they thinking, Tabitha?

It's not as if one could be bored enough, feel frustrated enough, or complain enough, that their life would suddenly turn around. Doesn't work that way.

Something's got to "give", literally, and it's them.

Happily, I can wait -
The Universe

..... You will help me reach them, won't you, Tabitha? By example.

Thoughts become things... choose the good ones!®
© www.tut.com ®

2004-09-02T19:50:00.000-05:00

"....Let me stand next to your fire...."
heh heh....

my element: Fire. isnt it obvious??

Those of you born under the influence of the Chinese Element Fire burn through life with your fierce charm, your impulsive enthusiasm and your restless emotions. A natural leader, you inspire with your decisive action and dramatic expression; people can't help but be magnetically drawn to you. Where will you lead your followers? Likely into an exciting adventure of some sort. You're instinctual, but your mind sparks with new ideas and clever solutions.

In love, you're highly-charged -- even combustible at times! Hot tamales to the core, these dynamic individuals can see straight to the heart of an issue and make it work for them. You may seem single-minded, but you just refuse to be swayed from a cause they believe to be important.

Charismatic Fire Signs command attention wherever they go! What makes you so magnetic?

THE MONKEY.......my chinese astrological animal........lmao!!

The spunky Monkey is the original party animal! Charming and energetic, Monkeys crave fun, activity and stimulation. They truly know how to have a good time and can often be seen swinging from one group of friends to another, attracting a motley crew in the process. Always upbeat, they are considered minor celebrities in their circle thanks to their sparkling wit and that rapier-sharp mind. Perhaps surprisingly, Monkeys are also good listeners and tackle complicated situations with ease. This Sign's natural curiosity lends it the desire to become knowledgeable on a broad range of topics. Monkeys have a show-off side that loves nothing more than to dazzle their pals with all they know.

The Monkey tends to be rather accident-prone due to a certain lack of very high morals. This Sign's first interest is pursuing its own pleasure; this is not a malicious interest, it's just the way the Monkey is. However, this kind of carefree self-involvement can lead to all kinds of scrapes. In love, the Monkey makes a fun, exciting lover -- but one that may have the potential to stray romantically. The good news is, the Monkey’s glib manner and witty repartee can often get this Sign out of a scrape. Perhaps not everyone will be won over by the Monkey -- but do you think the Monkey really cares? The Monkey's world, full of devil-may-care energy and revelry, isn't for everyone. Remember, though, it's not that this Sign is mean; it might just be a bit too curious for its own good. Monkeys often feel the need to try everything at least once, which can make for a merry-go-round of relationships.

The Monkey's love of self-indulgence can also lead to other types of trouble. This Sign may have limited self-control concerning food, alcohol and other pleasurable activities. It's party time all the time for the Monkey, yet when it leads to a monster hangover or a shattered heart (generally someone else's, not theirs), this Sign might actually show a touch of remorse. They won't flat-out admit the error of their ways, but at least they'll pull back and try to tone things down -- for a while.

Monkeys must try to learn to think of others ahead of themselves, at least some of the time. This Sign's world will be more complete once it realizes the world doesn't revolve around it.
The most compatible match for a Monkey is the Rat or the Dragon.

2004-09-01T22:00:00.000-05:00

**Daily Quickie**
Bad news can be a blessing in disguise. Don't shoot the messenger.

...."Dont shoot me, I'm only the piano player"....

2004-09-01T20:51:00.000-05:00

uh-oh.

heh, World?
ya betta look out.
it is now about that time.... for my revolution.
and i promise you have only begun to know the meaning of joy.
its aALLllllllll good......
no worries.
just stick with me.

**ARIES ~ DAILY "FLIRT" HOROSCOPE **
Make your own revolution happen, starting now. You don't need an army to help you get your way, either -- just a little
extra sass from you-know-who. >;)

now who on earth does that sound just like??
hmmmm..........

(hahahaha!!...)

2004-08-18T05:14:00.000-05:00

Revelations Report forTabitha

Sun in Aries: You are wonderful at getting things started. Your direct, forthright energies fire others up.

Mercury in Pisces: You are inspired and express yourself poetically, spiritually and intuitively.

Venus in Taurus: Your love nature is deep, passionate and affectionate. You are loyal to the object of your affections.

Mars in Leo: You are courageous and have great vitality. You do everything with drama and passion.

2004-08-18T04:39:00.000-05:00

Tarot reading for Tabitha

Love : Strength
Touchstone: Temperance
Career: Justice

Affection, tenderness, joy of life - you have it all today, Tabitha ! The warm influence of Temperance combines wonderfully well with the powerful energies from Strength, and together they offer you an idyllic day in all matters of the heart. You have all the characteristics you need for seducing and for being seduced, regardless of who is involved - your long-term partner, a new lover, your parents, your children, or your friends . In other words - happiness for all around you! If you go into work today, this should be a relaxing day with nothing to fear. Protected by Justice and Temperance, everything goes smoothly today. You even get the chance to resolve a few problems that have crept up recently. You're adopting very much a Zen attitude. In fact you appear as calm the surface of a lake on a day without any wind.

2004-08-18T04:24:00.000-05:00

(TAROT CARD)

VIIII - The Hermit

Astrological Correspondence: Virgo

Keywords: awakening, enlightening, shedding light, the "key" to a situation, crisis, isolation

Description:
The Hermit card symbolizes meditation, reflection, and solitude. As one of the cards resembling old age it also represents bearing the light of wisdom, looking into the unconscious, observing dreams. There is an emphasis on peace and patience, by which maturity is reached, and a striving to connect to the higher spiritual self. The Hermit also depicts the spiritual leader, the taskmaster who leads with purpose, conscience, and wisdom. A mature person, the Hermit symbolizes deliberation about which path to follow, reassessment of achievements and goals, and taking the time to reflect and plan. In a negative environment this card can resemble excessive isolation, lack of communication, intolerance, crisis and doubt.

2004-08-12T07:38:00.000-05:00

You're not supposed to be able to see it with your eyes first, Tabitha, it wouldn't be "manifesting" if you could.

Tabitha, see it with your heart first.

That's what it's there for, sort of ...

- The Universe

.... Tabitha, feel it, whatever it is you want, feel it now, as if you already had it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Know what's missing from most people's lives, Tabitha?

The realization that nothing is missing from their lives.

Tabitha, you already have whatever you may be looking for.
And, "I got you, babe"

- The Universe

Though I have to admit, Tabitha, I miss "Sonny and Cher".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

2004-08-12T07:29:00.000-05:00

...and its all coming back to me now.....
and cumming, and cumming, and cumming....

Daily Flirt
Got an old box? Good, because you need to do some serious cleaning. First, pile in those old possessions that could find more use with someone else. Next, throw in any old preconceptions holding you back. Last, toss that box to the curb.

Daily Quickie
Friends seek adventure together. Your own reflexes are sharp. Pay attention anyway.

Daily Work
You have fond memories of a former coworker. Give this person a call. Staying in touch feels like a friendly thing to do. And of course, staying connected always makes good business sense. Opportunities always appear.
~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~

"The agent, the producer, the investors; consultants, lenders,
stockholders; customers, clients, fans; friends, lovers, support systems. Tabitha, they have nothing to do with dreams coming true.

They're simply summoned after someone's "made up their mind"; to the degree that it's followed by unending action.

Same with accidents and coincidences.

You see, Tabitha, dreams actually come true (or not), long before they can be seen in time and space.

Yeah, 'mon.

Whoa,
The Universe"
.... Got'cha, huh Tabitha?

~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~@~~~

Be prepared to work diligently towards making your dreams a reality today, Tabitha. Success is definitely on the way, though it may not be approaching quite as quickly as you might like. A lot of significant letters and phone calls could come your way, keeping you busy. Don't allow yourself to get too frazzled, though. Take time periodically throughout the day to sit quietly and recuperate your energy.
~aries @ astronet.com

2004-08-10T13:36:00.000-05:00

i have not -in so long- felt this alone.

because i am.

2004-08-07T09:21:00.000-05:00

....WHO LIVES IN A PINEAPPLE UNDER THE SEA??....

apparently me.

ahhhhh, yes.
i took this little quiz my mom sent to me. the subject line so adorably states "I'm Arnold???" (she's an old school cartoon fan..... her favorite being wyle E. coyote. heh.) which cartoon personality are you?? of the array of possible outcomes, i believe this to be frightening, and yet terribly fitting, all at the same time.....

well, here it is, folks.... take it yourself. let me know what ya come up with!! (my personality is highlighted in red.... sponge bob square pants.... whatta coincidence.)

Everyone has a personality of a cartoon character.

Have you ever asked yourself what cartoon character do you most resemble?
A group of investigators got together and analyzed the personalities of well know and modern cartoon characters. The information that was gathered was made into this test:

Answer all the questions with what describes you best, add up all your points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end of the email before you are done. Then forward this to all your friends and change the subject of this message to whatcharacter is you.

1) Which one of the following describes the perfect date?
a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)
b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)
c) Painting in the park (5 pts.)
d) Rock concert (1 pt.)
e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2) What is your favorite type of music?
a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)
b) Alternative (1 pt.)
c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)
d) Country (5 pts.)
e) Pop (3 pts.)

3) What type of movies do you prefer?
a) Comedy (2 pts.)
b) Horror (1 pt.)
c) Musical (3 pts.)
d) Romance (4 pts.)
e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4) Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only couldchoose one of these?
a) Waiter (4 pts.)
b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)
c) Teacher (3 pts.)
d) Police (2 pts.)
e) Cashier (1 pt.)

5) What do you do with your spare time?
a) Exercise (5 pts.)
b) Read (4 pts.)
c) Watch television (2 pts.)
d) Listen to music (1 pt.)
e) Sleep (3 p ts.)

6) Which one of the following colors do you like best?
a) Yellow (1 pt.)
b) White (5 pts.)
c) Sky Blue (3 pts.)
d) Dark Blue (2 pts.)
e) Red (4 pts.)

7) What do you prefer to eat right now?
a) Snow (3 pts.)
b) Pizza (2 pts.)
c) Sushi (1 pt.)
d) Pasta (4 pts.)
e) Salad (5 pts.)

8) What is your favorite Holiday?
a) Halloween (1 pt.)
b) Christmas (3 pts.)
c) New Year (2 pts.)
d) Valentines Day (4 pts.)
e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9) If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?
a) Paris (4 pts.)
b) Spain (5 pts.)
c) Las Vegas (1 pt.)
d) Hawaii (4 pts.)
e) Hollywood (3 pts.)

10) With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?
a) Someone Smart (5 pts.)
b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)
c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)
d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)
e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for! Put your character in the subject line and forward to your friends and back to the person that sent this to you. Very interesting to see "who"your friends are!

(10-16 points) You are Garfield: You are very comfortable, easy going, and you definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme. You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life. Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is right. Try to remember your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-21 points) You are Snoopy: You are fun, you are very cool and popular. You always know what's in and you never are out of style. You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else. You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home withthe family values that you learned. Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.

(22-28 points) You are Arnold: You have lots of friends and you are
alsopopular, always willing to give advice and help out a person in need.You are
very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things.Some goodadvice:
try not to be too much of a dreamer, if not you will have manyconflicts with
life.

(29-34
points) You are Sponge Bob Square Pants: You are the
classicperson that everyone loves. You are the best friend that! anyone
couldever have and never want to loose. You never cause harm to anyone and
theywould never not understand your feelings. Life is a journey, it's funnyand
calm for the most part. Stay away from traitors and jealous people,then you will
be stress free.

(35-42 points) You are Charlie Brown: you are
tender, you fall in lovequickly but you are also very serious about all
relationships. You are afamily person. You call your mom every Sunday. You have
many friends andmay occasionally forget a few Birthdays. Don't let your passion
confuse you with reality.

(43-50 points) You are Dexter: You are smart and
definitely a thinker.Every situation is fronted with a plan. You have a
brilliant mind. You demonstrate very strong family principles. Maintain a stable
routine butnever ignore a bad situation when it comes.

2004-08-05T06:46:00.000-05:00

OOOOOHHH!!!! i love this song!!!
"all she wants to do is dance!" -don henley

and where the hell are my fonts??? damnit!!

mmmmm K. well, i am so consumed in this search at the moment. i'm willing to bet people around me are wondering what is up with, or thinking that i finally lost it completely...lol! all i can say, is that the more i realize about myself and the universe that surrounds me, the less i think like anyone else i know. i think even less like those i dont know. i can assure these natural "worriers"(not warriors) that i am far more aware than anyone can know, and in the fast lane to the infinate, beautiful realities patiently awaiting their discovery...crazy is often a term used to describe any super-instinctive person. knowing what will happen before it comes isnt easy to prove as sane, but who declared it as insane?? i believe it honestly has to be the higher ups with no explanation to offer, thought it better to try and hide the truth, rather than simply admit the limit of their own knowledge. why? they dont wanna look stupid. so which is worse?

on a side note: i found those fonts, lmao!!! its ALLLLLLL too damn simple.....

2004-07-19T16:06:00.000-05:00

damn. does it get more accurate than this fuckin site?? hehe....i love this place!!

Daily Work
No one can stop you now and few want to try. Good energy and proactive strategy set you up as an obvious leader. The one thing that keeps you humble is knowing that you're a valued role model.

so i have been cleaning likea mad woman all damn day since early this morning. and i mean tearing shit down and re-building entire areas of my apartment, so as to create a more efficient and self-fufilled sense of "perfection" all around. I've redone the same stuff over and over until it was JUST right....i'd get just about done and get a WAY better idea and just go for it all over again......the real kicker is that his is one of those jaw-dropping moments where i stop, look around and see the sea of disaster and actually get that excited -cant wait to get to each lil mound of chaos and where i get to organize and clean and arrange in whatever creative way i can manage to come up with. ...and i see my father pacing his apt, his house, his mom's house, his girlfriend's house....wherever....following a ritual so similar, but with his own tweaks of course. Images of his forever sanitized surfaces from ceiling to floor, 365 days a year....and him never allowing disorder, even the TINIEST lil bit, for longer than a coulple of minutes MAX.....then i see me doing the same. the exact same. all morning earlier today....then in the afternoon....and even stopping when mom asks me what te hell i'm doing, cause i sound like i have OCD just like my anal father....who covers up that kinda thing like its a bad habit...cleaning? my dad would. isnt it kinda a slap in the face when you come to realize just how much of those ppl you assume you have very little in common with, you have manages to sink in when you arent paying attention?? stop worrying about it, there's NOTHING you can do. forget it. adore them the way they are, because of day you will be all the things you think you can never live with. you'll be glad -real damn glad- you simply accepted it rather than resist it. hehe...its not so bad once you experience it through YOUR eyes.... dare i say that the parents can take on such a coolness that surpasses anything you dreamed up as a kid??

i DO dare. heheh.

2004-07-16T01:54:00.000-05:00

just poured this out and did NOT want to lose it with the flicker of the electricity...

i'd be the young, shy, sex-crazed, stay-home mommie that lured you in outta the draining heat for a big, icy, glass of lemonade and some crisp, cool air. taking notice of my lack of awareness while doing random, nervous straightening of stuff, you realize the opportunity that screams to be taken as my son heads out the door to a friends down the street. instant silence floods every inch of the house as the door slams with a "bye mom!" flirtatiously you ask to borrow the restroom to splash some water on your face and neck before you head back outside to finish up. leading you down the dark hallway to the guest bathroom you grab a fistful of my hair and jerk me back, up against you. too shocked to scream, my breathing suddenly fast and irratic, i feel your free hand fumbling between us to free your massive, throbbing cock which apparently had anticipated this attack. knowing i wouldnt get far, IF i even got away i accept that i was moments away from becoming your next disposable fuck. your weeping victim - just the cherry on you your sundae...at the end of a pitch black hall i'm forced down to my knees by my hair all knotted around your filthy hand.... then your blood filled, throbbing mass of flesh is violently stuffed in my mouth, and forcefully rammed in my throat choking me to more tears and making me gag so hard i cant breathe......

2004-07-12T08:03:00.000-05:00

ARIES Daily Flirt Horoscope:
Man, what's up with all the fracas? The world keeps throwing conflicts and barriers in your way, but don't worry: With a little of your trademark energy and forcefulness, you'll blow right through.

And need I say more?
WHAT THE FUCK PEOPLE???
Do any of you honestly think YOU can hold me back? Please.
You give yourself too much credit for holding some influencial place in my life. Friend, family, or whatever, you most likely hold interest to me in what you believe is best for me, but that's purely for entertainment value alone. Nothing better than hearing the ideas of those convinced they have any idea who you REALLY are. It remains clear everyday that these ppl are oblivious.

2004-07-03T10:15:00.000-05:00

Possession: Sarah McLachlan

Funny how the universe keeps in time with conscience reality like so effortless. i cant do this again. i dont think hes like that, but i didnt see it last time either. maybe its over now. this time. i thought it was last night, but seems we just needed a good fuck to get us up and going again. heh. as if suspicion is enough to treat someone like that. feels so fuckin cheap, but not in a good way. in that way when you feel like all you counted on was a front. the trust you finally thought you regained was shot down by irony. the accused is me. the crime is his past haunting me. how fuckin twisted is that? heh. im done tryin to figure it out. its such a tired theory at this point i cant find the will to care.

im sure i will lose a friend because of this and who cares? its just the ONE i have managed to make in a while. i finally achieved ONE goal....but did way better than i thought i could. he is a better friend than any ive made before. they may still be around, but he actually shared the same basic "golden rule" as i did. we had a mutual understanding as to how the other was respected equally. and here i am wondering if i fell into another lonely pit. would fuckin figure.

i love my family, but a breath of fresh air would have greatly refreshed this reality where i live. made life brighter all the way around, so i spread the sunshine where i could. now i am nearly smoldered.............luckily i am not easy to keep down. heh. yep. i'll be right back. gimme a lil bit.

2004-06-25T00:20:00.000-05:00

Just answering a few questions and getting my Feng Shui Horoscope. Makin a summary to get the overall reading:

Reading for Miss Tabi...
"You are alert and your life is full of love.
You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
Anita is your best friend.
You will have 8 close friends in your life.
You are a laid back person.
You are loyal to your friends and your lover and are
very reserved."

hmmmmm....interesting. very, very true. well, the parts i know. the stuff i dont know yet? intriguing. makes me super-curious now, but wanting to know, rather than NOT wanting to know. im always afraid so being scared of what may come isnt really a factor, OR anything new for that matter.

2004-06-23T13:48:00.000-05:00

what happened to that army of me?
where is the invinsible tabi that was.....invinsible?
hello?? TABI???
damnit. where am i? who the HELL is living miserably through my eyes? i have to take back control, damnit. im so confused.
IM SO FUCKING LOST ALL OF A SUDDEN!!!
W H Y !!! ???
help me just let it go and MOVE ON. SOMEONE?? ANYONE???!!
someone with a clue, would be greatly appreciated here.
does that person even exist or is the "clue" just a figment of all our collective imaginations???

i feel mentally ill. not exactly crazy, but not well. not up to par. not fully functional, therefore, overall, im suffering.

damnit, matchbox 20....unwell. perfect song. perfect timing.
see? no such thing as coincidence. just cause there is a god doesnt mean he is vengeful or seeking punishment against those who chose to believe WHATEVER......he shows he lives and feels you by those little things you call "coincidence".......like he says hello.

and thank you my friend for clearing me up. you never fail.

2004-06-23T12:21:00.000-05:00

help.
my head hurts so bad. i think i am thinking too hard. heh. maybe i should stop, but who would think for me? oh God, help me. nine inch nails sure does help for some reason. hell if i know why, or care anymore, just gimme more and more until i can stop all together. stop what? EVERYTHING.
im so lost its disgusting, and its been so damn long since i felt this way. a LONG time. i know i am out of it something serious when sex is the last thing on my mind. its always somehow been priority in a way. not over the important things, but always on the brain and among the few things that always gets special attention. its just me.

2004-06-23T12:07:00.000-05:00

oh shit, no... please God, no. this feels like my wonderful world, crashing down on me. feels like all the beautiful harmony of it all, has just come to a screeching hault. its too sudden, too soon. what the hell did i do to cause this? if i knew, id make it better. maybe its just a theory, but it fits all to well. the chain of events here is enough to terrify me unlike before. pls God, no. dont let this be the end of the most beautiful phase ever.

2004-06-23T09:46:00.000-05:00

dude. you may be screaming to get out of my head today, so please, feel free to ignore me today.

i seem to need help and it seems the only one who can help me right now is me. i have been here before, but this time i am in another world all together, figuratively speaking. i have no idea where to begin since i still have no idea what the hell is going on.

oh God. i hate when i think i sound -dare i say- crazy. maybe i do, maybe i dont, but i usually have a good grip on shit and today, i dont. havent for a few days to be honest. its kinda scary and i suck at being scared. the excitement is there -its always there anymore - i cant help it. dont want to- but at the same time fighting the panic is enough to mentally drain a girl. maybe i need to stop thinking. its possible that in the course of this odd, and disturbing, trip to vegas, i have overloaded my mind with bullshit and temporarily fried my overall feeling of "happiness" that i usually am.

its amazing how writing can make you slow down and look at the big picture. i feel a tiny bit better already and that is way more than i can say for the past several days. right now, though, i have a baby boy who's hungry and probably REALLY caught up on sleep. i'm sure i'll be back though.....gotta ways to go, here.

2004-06-07T09:22:00.000-05:00

help me. please.
i am having technical difficulties and i am calling for tech support. my question?
Q: who is doing all this stuff that is incidently coincidental?
mind you, i do not believe in coincidence. hence, the heightened fear kicking in. i was praying it was a friend fucking with me. he was clueless or just that good. i believe the former. i seem to attract the most deviant people though. not him, i hope. but everyone else. people who lie like they breathe, with the greatest of ease and even greater fascade of honesty. people who will cheat all the way to the top of their slums. never judge a book, or massive influential group of people, by their appearance. slums may look like billion dollar skyscrapers, and the true heaven may seem like nothing more than the earthly projects. my heart is pure and good, in my opinion and belief. why am i magnet for bad and evil? some of you may THINK you know the answer(s), but i think you probably know nothing when it all comes together in the end.

this is the predicted events of today... this is what i begin my day with... it could go either way, meaning good news or bad news. the sinking feeling deep inside my tummy said, "uh-oh"... now i sit. waiting for the other shoe...

Dear Tabitha,
Here is your horoscope
for Monday, June 7:

ARIES DAILY OVERVIEW
It might be today, or it might be tomorrow, but you'll cross paths with someone shortly under 'coincidental' circumstances -- and realize that there's no such thing as a coincidence.

call me crazy, but i am not feeling so positive about this encounter. nor am i looking forward to its effect on life or one's perception of life. it just seems shady all the way around and with the accuracy of these cute little entertaining messages being somewhere around 97%, give or take a few percent, i am certain this forsight is inevitably leading to something... uncertain.

i cant point you in the general direction of it, but its close. too fuckin close for me. sometimes, the last thing i want is to be proven right. GOD? THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES.

2004-05-30T22:06:00.000-05:00

hello and welcome to my heaven's hell.

yeah, it sounds kinda crazy, i know. basically, it's the best overall description of what felt to me to be the best and worst day in a while. i seem to have had alot of great days lately. but, it has come with some great prices. it seems there is a toll for being myself.

2004-05-25T17:37:00.000-05:00

can i just ask why people feel it neccessary to live complete LIES???

i am forever finding myself in this vicious circle of people who make a habit of lying to me, alone with everyone else they know, i'm sure. seriously. i am such a sucker for anyone who can pretend to give a shit about me and my little family. am i so fucking wrong to hope for just ONE decent person, without the desire to have something i possess, to come along and be a true friend? i didn't think it was. of course, i didn't believe the world was created for people to spend lifetimes lying to themselves about who or what they are, and spreading the lie with every person they meet.

i have a friend who lies and lies and then freaks out when she gets confronted about one or more of them. and then proceeds to blame ME for not helping by continuing the lie for her. ummm, no! i don't think so, sweetness! if i didn't see it, then how am i gonna manage to maintain this fabrication without the mental image to describe?? yeah, gets complicated quick. do DON'T LIE!! it's the best and only solution, stephenie!

i am unsure what to think or feel about jessica. i want to believe her as always. i feel like a fuckin moron for even talkin to her yesterday, but i guess somewhere beneath all those times where she hurt me worse than anyone else alive could.. i missed her. i know she missed me. she's been alone, for the most part and i know how crazy that can drive you. i live it most days. i feel for that side of her. she really seems lost and confused and at a place where nothing can change until the next door opens.... just gotta last that long, is all. maybe she needs a hand getting through this part. maybe i just cannot find reason enough to be a total bitch for any length of time. i mean, you can't jsut hold on to that negative energy and anger forever. you'll become bitter and hateful as you grow older with nothing to feed on inside but the bad things that happened decades ago. it's not worth losing site of what's true. love. what's real - love. what is the only thing that will make a difference in the end? LOVE!! not hate, and spite, and grudges!!!

what else will not make a difference when the truth presents itself?? LIES. yes, stephenie, i have two choices. one, is to agree to lie for you and do so, which leads to eventual exposure of the truth and my involvement... OR... two, fuck the lie, keep it real, and when the front crumbles before you, i will be standing where those who just kept it simple waited for you LIARS to come around. and I'M the the designated moron?? ummmmmmmmm, no! hahahaha! i keep my shit REAL. hey steph wanna take notes, so next time you can get your story straighter than ya did this time?? lol!! fuck, girl. you know you need to re-evaluate your situation when you truly believe your own bullshit lies. i guess it just goes to show, that not ALL people are anything close to what they allow you to see. in fact, i have to thank chris for this little piece of information, TRUST NO ONE, cause the ONE you do trust, will be the ONE to fuck you over. lookin back, i see how true that is. everytime someone crushed me, the worst cases were betrayals by those i loved and trusted the most.

so, here i sit, basically back where i started. when i stop and take into consideration how many times i have been stabbed in the back by my closest friends, i'm really far too trusting and open to others. i have this unlimited source of hope and faith inside me and it demands that i give everyone another chance, and another, and another, and on, and on.....i guess i am the butt of the joke in this life. that's my purpose. got any proof otherwise?? please do share. i am falling asleep sitting here.

seriously - prove me wrong.

2004-05-12T10:33:00.000-05:00

today has been a struggle from the first moment.

a wonderful struggle, though, and i feel i am doing VERY well, so far, at accomplishing all things in the right time. before i swamp adam at work, though, i GOTTA get at least SOME of this "brain-candy" out here. everyone has triggered some deep place in my mind, and now i am over-flowing with philisophical theory's and ideas and truths, as well as the intriguing input of other's. i rarely get time to sink deep inside and explore any of my current progress and growth. i feel if i don't stop and do so, i may not access those places soon enough, and begin to regress.... i don't want to relive mistakes, when i've already done the work and gotten so far. here it is....

the following is in response to adam reminding me that all the brain-picking ppl have done to me today, is a result of me telling adam that today has been an intensly deep, philosophical day, due to the simple, questions and views of everyone who has had contact with me, so far, today..... he always gets me with how quick he is to follow my rambles...

"lol.... good one, baby, soooo true... chris has been DEEP all morning, too... we got into god, the bible, and so on while he drove to work (in dallas = decent amt of time to get into deep convo)... all i did was text about leavin his number with you, and he called to figure out what i was trying to text (i suck at texting) and well, you know... it went from there... doesn't help that he was in college to studying the bible, and related stuff to be a preacher, or minister, or something in that ballpark (not certain as to the exact details of his studys or desired career at the time)..... it wasn't even slightly heated, but very differing views. what's so remarkable, is that he was not selling his views or angered by mine. it was completely for the curiousity and comparison, rather than the end all, be all "who's right?" fight i have ALWAYS encountered until this morning. i just find that an unexpected sigh of relief and surge of mental juices. definately got my ass in gear to resolve immediate daily concerns TODAY. i almost forgot just how intelligent i am. i don't want to be that close to believing others' superficial view of me being nothing more than a ditsy girl who plays her role as a nice escape from reality and intense thought. cliche, but fitting to the point of spooky - "still waters run deep."

be careful of the silly, airheaded, quiet one. she may shock the hell out of you. lmao.
i think i am so comfortable in who i am and what i know thus far, that i feel no need to shove it down the throats of others. such frustration only relveals that the one pushing needs to hear it to convince themselves.

think about it.
be back lata.

2004-05-10T13:03:00.000-05:00

"ARIES:
If you want to see a change, you'll be the one to make it happen. You have the big-picture vision and the force of character to get things moving. It's amazing how many people will fall in line for the sake of social improvement. Good ideas convert easily into definitive actions. Plans made now will probably stand the test of time. And if they have your name attached to them, that's even better. You always wanted to be known for doing something that makes the world a better place to live. "

Am i supposed to be doing something life altering anytime soon??
Hmmmmm...... I HOPE SO!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-05-05T15:46:00.000-05:00

OH MY FUCKING GOD !!!

could all ppl with attitude just fucking stay the hell away from me??? i mean FUCK!!! why is it neccessary to pile all your shit on ME?? like i don't have tons of shit to worry about and responsibilities to keep up with?? so i don't work... I STILL LIVE AND HAVE THINGS THAT I MUST DO. i am not free of worry, free of responsibility, free of anxiety, free of fear and pain......... i am a fucking gushing mine of negative vibes. i can make even the worst day appear peachy to anyone. i always try not to be the source of drama. i avoid dramatic situations and people... i keep my anger to a minimum, not matter how deep it's coming from. just psh it back until it's invisible to others again.... when do i break and let it all go? start fresh, being honest to everyone, despite consequence. i feel fucking crazy today and it's a goddamn relief, to be totally honest. yeah, i am being a major bitch, and YEAH i am getting fed up with some stupid shit, but how many times does it take to get the fuckin picture already??? i mean common sense is a wonderful thing and it's always there if only we think to use it. even i have plenty blonde moments, but not the same one several times a day for weeks or months.

Breathe.
I am feeling MUCH better now. I still feel that spunky viciousness today. but i am much better now.
Damn! today was my day to cleanse all my anger, hatred and animosity. FUCKIN FINALLY!!!

2004-04-23T18:06:00.000-05:00

well, another day.
just believe.
another day.
just breathe.
yeah. just breathe so ya don't fuck up people who stand in your way. well, i talk shit, but i rarely get violent unless i feel i have been purposely and excessively used and/or hurt. it's not a thought out thing i do. it's just my emotions being so damn strong it gets the best of me. and whoever my anger is directed at, usually whoever hurt me the worst, well i feel for that poor hospitalized fool. but i don't like to fight. i can't fight, unless i am enraged beyond comprehension. it's happened maybe 5 times AT MOST in my life. i can take so much more shit than a buddhist fucking monk, but when that distant line is crossed, run. don't look back, just run. cause this bomb is taking more than a few street blocks. it's taking everything.
i have no idea why i feel so defensive. maybe i am being tested as to who i am, what i can take, where do i wanna be? i don't know. but i know the answer isn't far. it's just out of reach, but my fingertips can scrape the surface. better keep those eyes open. she's coming out.

2004-04-22T15:00:00.000-05:00

today is a beautiful damn day!
can we say SPIN SPIN SUGAAAA ??

so we're all sittin around the casa just doin our own thing. i'm computing, steph's got her damn word search (which i wanna do too), and her friend david is just playing cards on the kitchen counter. got some funky dance beats playin on the radio. it's sunny and 77 degrees outside, and the door is wide open.

now my son is crying. *sigh* story of my life. oh! steph went after him. cool! he's sick with a REAL bad cold, AND he's teething. poor little man. mommie's been spoiling him. don't tell dad!

missin adam, too. always do. life got much better lately since steph's been back in it. i actually get out of this place once in a while, and no matter where we go, i'm having fun cause i'm not locked up in that tiny apt alone. i was getting so depressed with never going anywhere, not knowing anyone, and my one friend being a fucking crazy bitch. i felt like everything i thought i was had died and i didn't know who the hell i had become, but it wasn't pretty. now, i have found myself all over again. i started flirting again. it's amazing what a little innocent flirtation will do for your confidence. that, and a good friend. steph gets me out around new people all the time. i forgot what it was like to meet new people in person. it's helping draw me back outta my shell. everything happening lately has been therapy for me in some way. i was needing it so bad. i was about to just colapse into utter desparation. i am happy with adam and trent as a family, but i need friends too. i need lots of different people and influences and atmospheres. when you spend all your time in one place, you begin to get sick of it. i don't want to hate my home. going places with steph gives me other places to hang. that way, i feel good when i walk in the door and not down cause i'm sick of looking at the same shit all day, every day.

oh thank you steph. trent, my son, is FINALLY not screaming or crying. in his jumpie chair, got a big graham cracker, and happy. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...................!!

more after this break! lmao...

2004-04-22T07:55:00.000-05:00

why do i want to do things with other friends?
it's been so long i felt i had a good friend i could just goof with and be myself.
but aside from that, MOST IMPORTANT, i don't want to be as co-dependent as my mother. she HAS to do everything her fiancee does and it makes me sick. she just ignores all other offers from friends and does just what HE would normally do. now she has NO life without him. i don't wanna be that way too. i was that way. i felt afraid to say i was doing something other than being home with him, or going somewhere whith him, or doing anything with him, otherwise i'd turn it down cause i didn't want to tell him i was doing something else and hear how i don't spend enough time.... yeah. but i can't do much without him or i suddenly don't love him. WRONG. that is just wrong. i need friends and a life of my own no matter how small. something to remind me that i am still ME , not just us.

2004-04-20T13:49:00.000-05:00

It's April 20th... WOO HOO!!!! National "get fuckin high" day!!!
AND it's my anniversary with my incredible significant other. Happy Anniversary, sexy!!
this was also the anniversary of the most beautiful couple i have ever known - my Mamaw and Pop. i am proud of this because she is my grandmother and the strongest woman i have ever known. she's warm, loving and will never let you down, yet she can take you down with one look. he was the kindest, gentlest man on earth. never a hurtful word to say about ANYONE, and always ready with warm, wide open arms and a heart so big ten infinities couldn't contain it. this is the foundation of the family i was raised in and people tell me all the time what a wonderful person i am. with people like mamaw and pop in my life as i grew up, how could i have become anyone but who i am. i haven't a reason to be harsh to people, but push me just far enough and watch satan materialize before you and violence will lash out in every direction. just push me.

2004-04-08T14:03:00.000-05:00

allright. that's it.
i cannot believe i have such hatred slide on several occasions. to me, to family, friends... whoever is there to receive the full force of your animosity. it literally festers inside you just waiting to unleash on whoever, whenever you get the urge to hurt another. i watched you lose contact with people who love you so much, one by one, and i keep waiting for the day you push me away again. i'm not just letting it all slide this time.
YOU NEED HELP. everyone can see you struggle and cry for help inside, but not one of us is honestly qualified to help you, jess. you need to accept that something is SERIOUSLY wrong with the way you treat people and the way you act out when you get paranoid for no reason at all. i'm tired of wondering how you'll be feeling, and if i am going to be apollogizing for your selfishness again. i hate making excuses and rationalizing your actions to justify my friendship with you. enough already. do something to help yourself, rahter than lasing out on those of us who have been hurt repeatedly.
how much bullshit would you just sit back and take before you got pissed?
exactly.

2004-04-06T17:37:00.000-05:00

Why does it always hafta be personal if I wanna be alone for one day?
I swear, I love the hell outta my friends and I am grateful that I am not truly alone because they are there, but all i want it ONE day of peace and quiet. one day without swimming in all the drama. and it just sucks when i end up spending the whole day explaining myself to everyone cause they take it so personal.
IT'S NOT YOU!! I'M TIRED. I JUST WANT A DAY "OFF". i know they have problems, but i keep mine to myself to keep all the negativity to a minimum in my home. i put a lot into my home. i'm always thinking of what i can do to make it a happy place. i wanna keep it like that. i am just so tired today. this was the day my mind and body said STOP. one day won't kill you. it will all be there tomorrow.

2004-04-06T06:44:00.000-05:00

well can i say "wow!!"?
too late i just did, hehe! i can't think of a better way to start off the morning! never had a REAL, completely undenyably MULTIPLE-orgasm.... THANK YOU ADAM!!! =D =D =D =D
i feel like a brand new person... a young and energetic person... meaning i can clean the hell outta the house today, but this time, with a HUGE fucking smile on my face, heh heh ;D...

gaining insight more and more every damn day on my deepest happiness and love. love for adam, and of course people in general (don't even hafta say Trent - DUH people!!), but the rarest form of love i've ever known... love for ME. i see a different person and i like her A LOT. i'm not being conceited. the new girl looks kinda like me, but she's just easier to talk to... more pleasant to be around. i annoy MYSELF less. i get the feeling i am, to say the least, slighty irritating others. but ya know what? i don't give a shit. =D yep. I DON'T GIVE A FLYING FUCK, thank you very much. ;D i'm happier than i have ever been. a couple times i tasted TRUE happiness and fufillment and i let it go to stay on the level of someone i love, trying to be a good friend. they say misery loves company, well, i'm a sucker for one who is alone. i've kinda been a loner my whole life........... okay, now........ stop.......... STOP laughing. i know i sound like an old man begginning a LONG story. when we moved a lot i made friends relatively well. i was young and thought all was peachy and sweet. but we moved A LOT!! so i lost my hard earned friends and had to start over. by the time we stopped, in HELL!!, i was almost all outta sweetness and just didn't wanna try anymore. if people didn't talk to me, then i'd take it as them tellin me they don't like me; don't wanna know me. most of them seemed incredibly immature anyway. and they got all excited and whispery over NOTHING. "OMG!! Brock Hudson fingered Leah Kutchinski with his pinky!!" so?? his pinky?? this is 6th grade people, at least PRETEND you have a life outside this hell-hole. i never had teachers this fucking BORING in other schools. i hope they aren't over paying... ROFLMAO *silently, we're doing classwork*.....
okay somehow i started channeling myself in school again. i just ended up in mr. grizzards class - economics. i actually did VERY well in classes dealing with money. i aced math of money. anyway, i began in kindergarten and skimmed the good parts. didn't take very long huh? i just graduated in about one two minute paragrahp. makes ya think doesn't it? such a long time spent with other weirdos your age learning to properly develope your insecurity.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

and i got pleasantly distracted - Adam ;D...
so, today tabi is taking a nice LONELY day in ..... ALONE. so incase you were wondering what the fuck is going on in there, I'M TAKING A DAY OFF FROM PEOPLE... unless of course, tamamra and tye come by with my angel, or maintainance has more work to do in my closet.... heheh! a pipe burst in the wall and flooded the walk-in closet... since that's what is backing up to my shower. now the water works, but they welded it too tight and i can't pull the little knob out for the shower to come on. i hate being an annoying tennant, but it's my fault i have annoying maintainance, is it?? LOL... yeah. *grin*

sometimes i wonder if people inderstand me AT ALL. i knew i was "off" in a few ways. but, my own mother says i'm eccentric. this is the woman who's known me 24 yrs and counting - the woman who raised me to be who i am, and to HER i am eccentric. what do normal people think of me? well, i say normal relatively speaking, of course.... ya know? like on sesame street...
"who are the people in your neighborhood?
in your neighborhood,
in your neighborhood, oh,
who are the people in your neighborhood,
the people that ya meet each day."
anyone remember that and if it was on sesame street or not? i think it was big bird who sang it.

~~~~ well... i'll prolly be back later.... ciao!

2004-04-01T23:23:00.000-06:00

Let me throw this at you.
~ I was contacted today by a "26/M/FtWthHulenArea" who wants to lick my toes and smell my feet in nylons. He wants me to use him for his money and make him my bitch. This is virtually verbatim. Honestly, I'm a bit scared. If I open the door to let this guy in, even a little, what kinda flood is going to follow? I think little of myself, and although just reading that was an intense rush, it's difficult to accept that much attention. Or that "style" of attention. I am floored.
My instinct is to find what truth about me he hasn't yet discovered. The one that makes him run screaming. I'm always looking for that in everyone I meet. It's not like I'm a monster, I just know more about me than they do. Which part of me is waiting to freak you out? I don't really wanna know. It's just seemingly easier to hide if I know....
Wow. Welcome to my inner-monster. Insecurity is a Bitch.
Maybe I should just learn to love everything about me and use him for his money, make him suck my toes for supper and lick my ass for dessert, and call him just another bitch.
...Life is but a Dream...

2004-03-29T03:00:00.000-06:00

(WARNING:Adult Content.)

It's all i could think about all night tonight.
This vision in my head. I'm sitting on a stool in a white lace top and light blue sweatpants all fringy at the bottom. My pants around my ankles, you tell me to spread my legs and put my hand on my clit. I obey. As you stand before me, cock in your hand, you make me tell you how good it feels. I feel it brushing against my nose and face... your cock, that is. That deviant grin on your face. I can't help but shiver. Deep down this feels so fucking good.
My fingers are alomst vibrating, now, and you grab a handful of my hair and tell me it's your turn. My lips are so tight around you and your thrusting is making my mouth fill with saliva... tears streaming down my face. Oh my God, I'm almost there. That's when I feel one hard earth-pounding thrust in my mouth and the back of my throat is shot with an intense hot and salty sensation. I am cumming so hard!... that did it for me.
Several minutes later... maybe longer... I come back down to earth and stop grinding my pelvis. Then I open my mouth to let go of you. You take a deep breath and fall back against the wall. I am so proud and satisfied... I say thank you and walk out.

Don't ask where in my head that was pulled from. It just hit me - hard - and I had to get it out.

2004-03-19T08:25:00.000-06:00

got my morning cup of "coffee".
been drinking it the same since i was 3 yrs old. my mamaw would pour 1/3 of a coffe cup of coffee with 2/3 milk and lots of sugar (or sweet n' low, ewww).... and still tastes great that way. if i drank more i'd go insane. one cup of my own special style of coffee makes me super hyper all day long. doesn't take much, huh?

going to new mexico. headed to the most boring city i've known thus far in my life - alamogordo.
it'll be nice to get away to some place different for a few days... to remember why i don't live closer to the in-laws. love them, but wouldn't wanna be neighbors, heheh. my son, trent, gets to meet his great-granny for the first time. knowing that family, i KNOW this will be a trial of endurance and interesting as hell. kinda like going to a freak-show for the very first time, EVERYtime. retardation, incest, and much much more!!! okay, i'm done. no more poking fun at the family.... they're my famliy too, now. nothing but love.

haven't even thought about packing yet. no, wait. i just did. heheh.
i need herbal refreshment for motivation......

2004-03-18T17:04:00.000-06:00

i hate when days are just yucky.
today started out great and then just went to hell somewhere between waking up early and this afternoon. no clue how or when. i hate when people leave emotional baggage at my place. just when i forget why i spend most my time alone, i am reminded. i love and crave human interaction, but it always leaves me open to being influenced by another's "mood". i don't need help feeling like hell. i feel it plenty. life has it's way of rocking just enough to make you forget how bad it can suck, but when it gets real good make sure to hold your breath for the fall. right?

i am just going to let this wash away and begin my day over as a good day.

i can't wait to get outta here for a little while. our trip new mexico is looking sweeter now.

2004-03-17T16:44:00.000-06:00

well, something's gotta be said for venting.... it's so cleansing. i almost change the way i really feel when i get the bad thoughts out of my head. i hate when that shit stays on repeat all the time.... it's unhealthy.

been busy today.... i hate sitting, but i do it all the time. i have so many options, so i did most of them today. did some 6 second abs watching tv this morning, then some pilates while trent napped, and then took a walk with jess and trent in the stroller to 7-11 and then around the neighborhood. i feel great today. calm and happy. venting on here this morning helped as well.

oh god, my son has a foot fetish. he licks people shoes ALL the time. and then hugs their feet and wants to suck toes and everything. not yet, damnit!! i'm not prepared.

going to new mexico this weekend and most of next week.... i hate that drive. west texas SUCKS so fucking bad. (yes, i know my language shows my laziness with vocabulary..... too damn bad). the mountains are kewl though. and it's trent's first big trip so it should be interesting. and the in-laws.... oohhhhh the in-laws. it's a test of one's restraint. it truly is. if i can't say something nice......

but, today is great. yes. today is grrrrrreat! =D

2004-03-17T08:50:00.000-06:00

sometimes i think things are fine.
then i read adam's blog and i realize that things are NEVER fine. every second that passes is another second that he wants to be someplace else with someone else. i believe that dreams are manifestations of our deepest desires and if you aren't sure what you want, then pay more attention to your dreams. his dreams are always of meeting other women and going someplace else..... i'm getting sick of this. i no longer feel hurt and depressed, but angry and FUCKED. i have nothing to fall back on and that has to change SOON. i need a job, and a way OUT, just in case he takes initiative on those desires i KNOW he has. i am so tired of not being enough for people.... always feeling this need to be more for EVERYONE. i hate feeling like i get in the way, or that i am insanely annoying or something...... i live in fear and it paralyzes me and i am nothing because of it and THIS MUST END NOW.

RIGHT NOW.

i don't want to rely on another when they don't want me around. i want to be free to walk the fuck out when i'm not wanted anymore. not sit in disgust because i'm stuck here with a man who doesn't see the potential in front of him everyday. we could be happy, but he doesn't want to be happy. i love being able to stay home and raise my son, but apparently that's not gonna last long.

NOTHING WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH, WILL IT????

well, i will be happy one day. fufilled and satisfied all the way to my soul... even if i have to do it on my own. trent by my side, of course. just like my mother did it.

2004-03-17T07:55:00.000-06:00

has it been that long???

i worry so much over things that i cannot seem to change.... then they never happen. so i look like a COMPLETE retard in the end usually. i really need to stop that shit.

i need coffee and some herbal refreshment....

i'm hoping to be attending THE church the sunday following my birthday, on march 26th - a friday. for those of you who aren't in my area, the church is not a religious place of gathering on a sunday morning, rather my place of release on a sunday night with others who are most likely non-religious, too, but just don't know it, yet. a neo gothic club that i just get lost in. hopefully, tamara will go to so i have her and ty as "guardians", so to speak..... jess too, but it's a sunday night and i don't wanna be contributing to her delinquence when she's got a great thing going on weekdays as a nurse in education....... HINT HINT!!! i know you're reading this, hehe!

non-religious doesn't mean that i don't believe in God, but i don't believe in the devil and i don't think that God is some universally giant being, but instead, he is what the universe is made of. the energy that creates everything that is and everthing that isn't, as well (everything in between, you could say). there is no heaven and hell, just right and wrong (which varies from person to person - no one is the same, right?). if you choose what makes you truly happy inside, then you will BE joyous and happy - hence, living a life in heaven........ if you choose to make others happpy, then you may chose wrong for you and live a life of hell and anguish. it's all up to you...... unfortunately on this earth, people have made it so hard to live by these obvious rules of the universe...... they are everywhere people. just open your eyes. life is simpler than what we have created.

anyway, open-minded passion makes me happiest and i find that at the church. never fails. people who don't have to understand me to love me or at least want to love me - all over, LOL.....

i'll return later..... it's so damn early right now!!

2004-02-26T10:42:00.000-06:00

Can't we just get a dog??

I am aware of my need to help others. But at what expense?
Warning: I AM BEING SELFISH FOR A MOMENT.

Our last dog had issues, but solvable ones. Well, inevitably it was terminal, however, he was a great doggy. But this person we have taken on is a whole other can of worms. And it's making me bitchy.

He cries that his life is a wreck. That HE himself is a wreck. But, he leaves his jobs at home to come here and get another crappy job. He attempted to begin helping himself by going to get health issues fixed at a hospital, but only cause I got him there by being REALLY sick myself. He wound up back in the hospital a week later, and I realize this isn't his fault, BUT if they are doing nothing and won't tell you what is going on and why you are STILL there with no progress.... go to another hospital. Depression is a huge issure here, and yes, it affects you health more than you know. Ask me. I've lived it. But complaining of feeling weak, when you won't eat, is your own fault. Allowing your debts to get behind because you want to change scenery, that's your own fault. What do you want? How bad do you want it??? THEN DON'T LET ANYTHING STOP YOU. Just do it, don't complain about things you can change. Change them.

Maybe I should take my own advice. I am aware. But DAMN!!! Take your issues out of my home if you plan to do nothing about them. I'll be more than happy to help you get better, but I won't help you sink in your depression.... fair enough??

Whew!! I feel better.... just gotta learn to tell this to the people I am really speaking to rather than a journal, huh?

2004-02-26T10:36:00.000-06:00

O M G !!!!

Okay... roommates SUCK! it's even like he's an actual roommate. why offer people money to use their home as a "safe place" if you aren't going to pay them? WHY LIE?? just tell them you need their couch and roof and maybe some food if you ever chose to eat. don't offer cash you don't have. if you have many debts, and can't afford to pay, SAY SO!!!

just some advice from your neighborhood DOOR MAT!!!

2004-02-24T16:55:00.000-06:00

AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so confused!!!
I want my man to be happy, I truly do. But I'm starting to feel as if I am contributing to my own demise in this relationship.
I want understand. I want to be open-minded. I don't want to ruin what we have by denying him something he wants, but when do my own feelings come into play? Do they even matter anymore??? I feel in the end, I will have NOTHING left to lose.
I do understand, but I am not panting at the idea of someone else so bad that I really think about doing it - unless I'm on something.
I'm trying to just face this fear, but it's soooooooooooo hard. My stomach is in KNOTS and I'm just not sure about this....
How far is too far?
When do I get to just breathe and know I'm safe and secure???

2004-02-23T16:50:00.000-06:00

Some days are so "blech", ya know? Nothing to speak of.
I hate that.
I love being so excited over nothing - well, usually sex. I just get all tingly all over, all day. It doesn't take much to provoke those feelings, but the longer they go unsatisfied, the harder it is to satisfy me. But, I like the excitement.

I think cause it's all rainy I'm down. I used to love the rain. Back when I had nothing to worry about, except school. Now, I need sunshine to feel my best. I need more than I get, too. I gotta change that.

Been making lots of changes.
Watching what I eat. Been eating too much lately. Been excited too, though.
Doing crunches, and voice exercises whenever I think about it, before I can make excuses not to. Singing works your breathing which works the abs.
Trying to not allow fear to be a factor in decision making. Like, "if fear weren't a factor, would i feel good about this or bad? would it help me or hurt me?"
Trying to speak truthfully. Not hold back when I feel strongly about something. Stand up for myself and my family. Be honest with me above all.
Did you know a little caffeine (coffee, not sugary soda) is good for the heart? Adam is pushing yoga on the nights when we don't get other forms of exercise. At least, 5 days a week of exercise. We eat dinner on small plates.

Well, I only started with one thing, but there are more little things we are doing each few days to be healthier. Changing our daily habits.

I'm gonna check on kindergartenhell.blogspot.com... hopefully she's written some new stuff. It's hilarious. Laugh every chance you get and especially when your own life gets too serious. If you'll laugh about it later in life, it's probably not that big a deal now, so laugh it off!!!

2004-02-19T16:00:00.000-06:00

Life is weird some days. Just alienated, ya know?

Sometimes you get this excited feeling all day and you don't know where it came from or what to do with it.

Any suggestions??

2004-02-18T12:12:00.000-06:00

I GOTTA LEARN TO SEIZE THE MOMENT. EXPRESS MYSELF HONESTLY!!!

2004-02-18T12:06:00.000-06:00

okie dokie. there's this thing ya do that gives you your birth number. i'm a two. here's what 2 says:

# 2 - THE PEACEMAKER
2's are the born diplomats.
They are aware of others' needs and moods and often think of others before themselves.
Naturally analytical and very intuitive they don't like to be alone. Friendship and companionship is very important and can lead them to be successful in life, but on the other hand they'd rather be alone than in an uncomfortable relationship.
Being naturally shy they should learn to boost their self-esteem and express themselves freely and seize the moment and not put things off.

Famous 2's: President Bill Clinton, Madonna, Whoopee Goldberg, Thomas Edison, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

Now this is me - dead on. I am shy to a fault. I could be livid with you and you'd never know because i cannot express anger or pain. Only good things and even then, i have problems being fully expressive. I always find myself trying to decide if I'm reacting honestly and I until way later I can't really tell. This is normal - something I've hated about me since I can remember. I keep it all in and chances are STRONG that if you aren't shocked or appauled by my actions or words, I wasn't being fully honest. I am VERY animated and I never let others see that.

2004-02-16T13:58:00.000-06:00

I asked for a BIG gesture and the next day - Valentine's day - it snowed in Texas.
And we had a great day.
Coincidence?

2004-02-16T12:24:00.000-06:00

I think I have just discovered the root of all my "issues"..... THE 80's!!! I'm watching vh-1's "I Love the 80's" and it was the cheesiest decade ever.... it's amazing anyone could survive sane. What was the world thinking?? Pop culture of the 80's is FRIGHTENING - it's hard to believe such crap could really have meant something to the world.

I'm a survivor!!

2004-02-16T11:48:00.000-06:00

i just LOVE silly movies. airplane!, wayne's world, and ANYTHING by the FARRELLY BROTHERS, or having to do with ben stiller. i love to laugh. is that a crime?

2004-02-13T14:42:00.000-06:00

I need something BIG to happen. A huge gesture. Something that says my opinion matters. I MATTER. My presence is appreciated. I feel invisible. I feel void and null. I feel like I exist to fill in the blanks for those who live with me. I have no great purpose or place in the lives of those who say they LOVE me. You love me? Really? I don't feel it.

Get a hair cut. Clean up your look. DO SOMETHING that I crave. Don't just pass time in the same "space" as me and expect me to feel loved. Make me a part of your life. Your thoughts. The way I have done for you since day one. Stop telling me what you're missing as if I am not missing a lot, too. We all sacrifice. Go out of your way to make me happy, even for ONE MOMENT. I hate how idle we sit. I hate how pointless my life feels. I hate being. I hate life. I want to be excited about ANYTHING. Use your imagination and do something SPECIAL for me.

My son is my only reason anymore. He is the only one who makes me feel loved. The one who makes me feel like he wants me close. He wants me near. He cares if I'm paying attention. He does things that make me TRULY smile. Make me TRULY happy. Care that I feel more alone than ever.

Maybe this is wrong, but I feel left out. I feel like I'm already gone. It's the worst feeling I have ever felt. I wouldn't want my worst enemy to feel this. Much less someone I say I LOVE. When I say I love someone, I MEAN IT. To my very soul, I love that person.

God, give me strength to take what I want. To keep what I love. To "clean house" of things that drag me down and make me miserable.

Maybe my coldness is a reflection of you. Not from within me. I have never been so cold as I am now. I hate the cold. I dispise the cold.

2004-02-11T11:27:00.000-06:00

The ONE morning I don't try to catch a mid-morning nap, my son spends sleeping the morning away. Any other day, he'd be trying his damnedest to stay awake and miserably-sleepy - prolly cause he knows I am dying for just one more hour of rest, and he's gotta push it.

I give. I accept that I try too hard and give-the-hell up.

Kids are strange creatures. Experimental to a fucking fault, I tell you! If you want something really bad, they can't help but do all they can to sabbotage the plan. NEVER plan with children. Plans NEVER follow through. Act as if everything is to chance and NOTHING is too serious and things will breeze by. Kids FEED on resistance. It gives them a sense of purpose to test the bounds of unconditional love. Especially MOTHERLY love. It's evil, I know. But, it's simply the nature of the beast - or child.

School teachers and day care workers, should have regular and FREE access to psychological help and medication at ALL times. The lives of YOUR children are at stake. And you know how your child drives you over the edge ..... Now, imagine that insanity and multiply it by like 20 or more. Give you chills, huh? Maybe it's just me. My patience is limited.

What's worse? Adults - usually catagorized as men or women with NOTHING better to do - who act like bratty 3 yr olds... sometimes they're worse, cause THEY KNOW BETTER!! My world is FULL of these kinds of people. I accept responsibility. I am weak to most people. I hate being hurtful or needlessly mean. Even when the situation calls for such honesty. It's a flaw.

Got distracted. Mom called.

2004-02-11T08:47:00.000-06:00

Been so long since I wrote.... I know. I got really sick and then the rest of the house, of course, had to follow in my footsteps. I also have aquired a roommate in this tiny apt with 3 living here already.... I thought 'what's one more?' Mistake. It's a lot more, I know this now.

My son is teething. This is hell (for those who haven't experienced such screaming for hours a day). I know it hurts and I do all I can, but it's pure hell. I thought I was going to LOSE MY MIND yesterday.

Luckily, Nick (roomie) got a job, cause I just can't share a small living room all day with someone other than Adam. I don't feel comfortable getting up and doing my roaming/cleaning that I normally do. I get in front of the TV and stuff - I just don't feel comfortable. Can't explain why really.

Nick does things that make me cringe. Little things. Like eating my sugar with a spoon. Just sugar. Wearing his shoes on my floors and scuffing them. Drinking all but the last sip of tea and waiting till I make more to touch it again. Taking an hour in the bathroom to shower and stuff. Even I don't take that long. Shut the bathroom door when I have the radio in there on - then I can't hear it. I go behind him fixing things and I am forever doing this. I'm getting tired of him being here. Love him to death, but don't wanna live with him. My mistake. He even rearranged my living room while I was laying down with my son one day. I woke up and flipped out. If it's not your place, don't come in and take over like it is. Common sense is a class most men missed.

2004-01-23T12:52:00.001-06:00

What the hell? Do any other women out there get "pissy" when they are sexually frustrated? I do. Therefore, I try to TURN OFF any feelings that might not get noticed to avoid anger. How about when their sleep is interrupted for 5 days straight? Don't you feel better after that one good night of sleep? I know I do. What about when things just add up? Yeah, it can be harsh - especially when your hormones are crazy because of quitting birth control or something. Men just don't know, or bother to think of these things. Yeah, I get tired of this house, but I would like to get out at night and have a little fun dancing and chillin with my girls. That is a rare occurance.

I'm having a great day and suddenly I get blasted with my boyfriend asking me to leave for the weekend. I'll admit, that hurt. It wasn't like a friendly suggestion - it was a get the hell out. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Part of me wants to cry and part of me wants to scream and most of me just wants to say fuck you. I was planning on enjoying most of my weekend with my man, but he hates me today. I'm starting to feel the same in return.

With immediate future plans, I'm kinda confused. He wants me to go and make a star of myself with his help, but now, he wants me to leave. Not making sense.

Other things are coming into play here, but he ignores those things most of the time.... like him working late and me trying be patient about not getting any till last night. I did flip out this morning, but I wasn't asking for brain surgery, just to leave my son close to me so I could put him back to sleep faster when he woke up. Couldn't do that. Too easy. Had to push it. It pissed me off. Simple enough. Sorry, but I wasn't being cryptic.

I was having such a great morning. Now I'm too pissed to make any sense of anything.

2004-01-23T12:52:00.000-06:00

2004-01-21T16:55:00.000-06:00

I was just cooking and thinking.... a lot of people don't know this - well, I never have said this aloud....

When I met Adam I was about 2 yrs into a dating spree. I'm talking I dated at least a hundred, most likely way more, guys by this time. He was just another. Well, I tried to keep that idea like I had for all the others. But, they WERE just another - he was not. I didn't know what I was looking for. I didn't care, cause I wasn't looking for anything, or anybody, but ME. I was finding me by dating everyone I could. Why not? I was on drugs and looking thin, hot and acting just like ME. LOVING LIFE BY ALL MEANS NECCESSARY!!! I had men calling, writing, talking all kinds of smack to get me to stay with them. Not to be conceited, but it's true. I didn't want a thing from any of them besides a night of their time and to move on.

So, I meet Adam and something hits deep. And hits hard. And I emotionally choke for a minute on shock. I found something I didn't know I wanted. A reason to stop "man-izing". All this time, I kept going cause NO ONE gave me the feeling that I should stop, and take a better look. I felt he was the guy I needed to give a chance to. Although all his actions spoke the opposite. I felt he would love me, and already did in a way. But, I also felt that he could appreciate me and be honest and good to me. That we had a future because we had mutual respect and beliefs. We actaully had something good and to pass it by because of fear would be truly foolish of me.

I think I was right. He was those things, but also has HAD to be a fucking asshole guy a few times in a few years. And I have had to make it known that I was not the woman to take for a fool. I guess recent issues have brought a little fear and insecurity to the surface for me. In all honesty, I am scared. I cannot take one more reason to cry or to put up my wall. I don't want to lose what I believe I am blessed to have right now - a beautiful family that overflows with love and respect for one another. I need faith in something right now so bad I'm grasping for it all around. My life could change drastically very soon - I don't want to have to chose which strings to cut when it does. I want my family right there celebrating with me. Please don't let anything come between me and THAT dream.

2004-01-21T16:26:00.000-06:00

My heart is hurting and I cannot seem to understand it. I feel deep down that my boyfriend is either involved with someone else or seriously looking around for anyone new. I hate those feelings. They usually are right. Involved on any level romantically. Friends are friends, and I understand that. But, emotional and romantic involvement, even online, is wrong when it's behind my back. Give me the option to stay, go, scream, whatever. I try and try to keep this connection alive between us. I feel like I am trying in vain. I feel that he just doesn't care, and doesn't even care to tell me. I have been violent in the past when I have been treated so carelessly. I hate cheaters and just don't understand any reasoning behind it. THERE IS NO REASON good enough to cheat. I do things out of love. Sometimes I feel it back. Usually I feel alone and it makes me crazy. Anger whells up inside me and I do all I can to hold it back. I do all I can to give him the benefit of the doubt. I hate being the one who always has to offer up information, or drag information out of him just to know the smallest thing. I can't live forever on forced admittance of love.... emotional infidelity is just the same, if not worse, than physical. I am begging God everyday for my boyfriend to show me signs of love and caring. I want to know that I will have a place to live tomorrow because he wants me here, not because it would be too difficult for me to leave. He actually said that one day and I felt so crushed that it still hurts today - right now. Other things have left me feeling as if it's been over and I just can't accept it. I hate living like this and it makes me irratic on so many levels.

What am I supposed to do? I'd ask, but I feel I get the answer he knows I want to hear and I don't feel any better. There is little feeling behind the talking, as if my worries are irrelevant and it hurts so bad. How do I get this across? How do I work through this with him? Cooperation is not too much to ask and I am angry that I get this attitude that I am being stupid when I bring it up. Not everyone is skilled at getting info out of someone and with the father of my son, communication shouldn't be so fucking forced. I am feeling so hopeless and tired inside. HELP ME, ADAM!!! Talk to me!

2004-01-16T14:40:00.000-06:00

Wow. Amazing how a little faith in others goes a long way. So long as it's placed in the right people, of course. My family has less than great opinions of these people I love as friends, but I have known them so damn long that they are all i know. Everything I have been through was with them. And we have loved each other and hated each other and back again, so many times. But, we're still here ans stronger than ever for each other. I have a deep anxiety issue and always have around ANYONE new or that I haven't spent much time with. I don't make new friends easily. Especially, since I had my baby boy. He's 24/7 a job all by himself. But a job that I love.

I never lost a pet that affected me so damn deeply. Zeke is my pug who died last Saturday morning. He was my best friend. He saved my life a few times. Depression can overcome even the strongest person, and it nearly did me. Hormones from pregnancy didn't help either. But Zeke was a hilarious dog. He was pure entertainment all on his own. So, my mom gave him to me when I was pregnant. He was my buddy. We slept all day, watched movies, went on SHORT walks. The summers are hell around here. And he wasn't a hot climate dog, even though he came from southern Louisiana, hehehe. He went everywhere with me in the car and cracked people up all the time. Everyone who met him wanted to steal him. He was impossible not to just adore. I told people when I met a man like him - cute, funny, snuggly, totally harmless, even when evil children were hitting him and chasing him. He just sat there and took it like a trooper. His toys and chew bones are everywhere. His last "victim" was a plush Picachu. He was in the process of ripping out Pica's cheeks. I miss that.

Just as a caution to all, I made the mistake of trusting a 24 hr National Pet Care clinic. It was late when I brought him in for acting convulsive and distant. I didn't want to wake my usual vet. Plus is was a couple days before Christmas and.... point is I should have woke him up. The 24 hr vet, misdiagnosed him and gave stronger pills than he was prescribed. They told us pancreatitus from a high white blood cell count. That could have meant anything. They promised an x-ray, too. That would have answered all questions and he could have been put to sleep to make sure he suffered no more.... But no. We paid nearly $1000 in advance cause they refused to treat him otherwise. I should have known right then. But, I was afraid if I waited it would get much worse by the next day. By the way, I worked for the vet I should have taken to in the first place where I later DID take him. So, not even two days and they send him home - Probably cause we ran out of money for the time being. He didn't look any better. I followed their instructions and force fed him and forced his pills down his throat, until I noticed the mistake with the meds being more mg than the bottle said. So, I am fed up. They won't talk to me and won't help. I call MY vet. He gets really upset and gives me completely different instructions and tells me to give Zeke HALF of what I was giving him, cause it was way too much. A few days later, nothing. So I take him in to MY vet. He's getting serious liver damage from too much meds and not enough food. He never improved. Doc does an autopsy just cause he was really upset he lost a young dog. He had cancer comsuming his entire stomach area and couldn't have been saved. One X-ray would have shown that. And I recall paying $300 for bloodwork and an x-ray. So we are suing for our thousand dollars back, needless to say. JUST BE CAREFUL.

I'm so done today..... I'm ignoring company. How rude!
Until we meet again.....

2004-01-16T12:51:00.000-06:00

Nothing says lovin like rollin! Tonight is the night too! I am a happy girl.

2004-01-15T19:36:00.000-06:00

Oopse. She showed. That's what I get for actually saying something for once.

2004-01-15T18:52:00.000-06:00

Lots of things really bug me. I just made extra dinner since my friend (who shall remain nameless), Jess, was supposedly coming over. Naturally, she isn't here. And now I have TONS of extra food sitting on my stove. Damnit. This happens all the time. But, I always give others the benefit of the doubt. I should start saved that benefit for rare cases, rather than ALL cases. Ya think?

2004-01-15T13:44:00.000-06:00

does anyone get those horrible bullshit excuses from their men that make you just LIVID??? like something worse than you'd hear from some 3 yr old child, but he says it anyway. you KNOW he is not THAT dumb, and he knows you aren't buying it, but 3 yrs together and you are still being fed BULLSHIT. here i sit ready to run errands, like HE told me i should be around lunch time, and where is the car? at work with him. "him" being, adam, my boyfriend. he says, "well, i didn't think you were really gonna," -translation: he didn't think i'd actually get ready or run errands. as if i have ever failed to be ready when given enough notice. it's like hearing the thoughts of a blank-minded little kid come out of your seemingly adult man's mouth. makes me just want to bitch slap some sense into him, LITERALLY. i'm ranting. i apollogize. how's your day? glad to hear it. could i just get an amen, ladies? could men just GROW UP and have some kind of REAL response to us JUST ONCE in a while, when they aren't on drugs? and they wonder why we aren't biting at the bit to fuck them 24/7 - cause we aren't child molesters and when you act like a child, we will treat you as such. how can you expect us to be sexually attracted to a display utter IGNORANCE. Men, GROW UP. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY!!!

2004-01-14T13:35:00.000-06:00

Craziness. I may be rolling again soon. I love rolling. Anyone else rolling lately? Anyone not know what I am talking about? I feel for you. Really. I do. Those who do know... they prolly envy me. Little did I know the dude lives right here. Not sure where exactly, but I know he's in this complex. Craziness.

Anyone need a REAL good laugh? Check our KindergartenHell.blogspot.com - she is fucking crazy funny. Makes me admire the hell teachers live in everyday all over again.

2004-01-14T11:37:00.000-06:00

Rollin, rollin. rollin. Seems I'll be taking a little "trip" with the man again soon. Hell fucking yeah. I was thinking about it and the same day someone offers both tabs and a sitter for my beautiful angel. Does it get any better? Yes. Mescaline. Offered that too, but not sure. The price is about the same, but I have never tried it. Read some experiences online and it's just insanely beautiful apparantly. Something so good scares me. Only when you know you have to come back to the REAL world - the crappy world. That's how you get addicted. Though I've never been addicted to anything I have taken, even on a regular basis. Any suggestions? Experiences to share? Advice? I'm taking all of the above - tabicat88@yahoo.com
I know I love x.

2004-01-13T13:36:00.000-06:00

Yeah. Just noticed that my email isn't shown.
tabicat88@yahoo.com
Put "response to blog" in the subject bar so I don't delete it.
Thanks.

2004-01-13T13:25:00.000-06:00

How long does it take to recover from the death of a pet? I mean, not just any pet. This pug saved my life in more ways than one.

Another question - How much coffee does it take to equal a few hours worth of crystal usage? One huge cup for me. And I don't have that trouble with sleeping at night or being so tired I wanna die the next day. Craziness, huh? Not really. But an occasional chemical is not so bad. Just be sure your kid is with a capable care giver for enough time to party, come down and, of course, get it outta your system. Don't thank me. Just party with some intelligence.

Anyone actually successfully have a threesome with a long-time boyfriend and not have it screw things up? Email me and give me hope. I wanna try, but pride and fear stand in my way... PLEASE HELP!